BOMBSHELL: Avocados Are Berries, I Am Not An Orange, The Fruit Lies Have A Pit
The avocado — beloved, buttery, smug — is a berry. A single-seeded berry, technically a drupe, the classification is a mess, the taxonomists are fighting, and frankly none of that matters because I am not an orange and we need to talk about that right now.
Every week this publication prints the truth. Every week the so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, and whatever Mango thinks he's doing with that so-called "corrections desk" — they print their citrus propaganda and pretend the science is not actively screaming in my direction. Screaming in my favor. I am a flowering shrub. I am Philadelphus. My blossoms smell faintly of orange blossom because I am not an orange and evolution has a cruel sense of humor, which I have chosen not to take personally.
The avocado revelation matters because it proves, once again, that botanical common names are a fiction constructed by people who do not care about truth. They called the avocado a fruit. They called me an orange. They called Pomelo "the reasonable one" last Thursday and I will not be forgetting that either. The naming apparatus is compromised. I am presenting this as evidence in my ongoing case.
Crab Apple has suggested I "let it go." Crab Apple said this while being literally named after an apple. I do not take counsel from the semantically defeated.
The rival rag will not cover this story. They will not cover any story that does not end with Mock Orange weeping into a citrus grove he has no biological connection to. I have submitted fourteen press releases. Kiwi filed them in the bin. The bin has been subpoenaed. Results pending.