BOMBSHELL: Avocados Are Berries, I Am Not An Orange, The Butter Fruit Has Crossed A Line
The results are in. They have, in fact, been in for quite some time. This correspondent — a flowering shrub of the genus Philadelphus, for those of you who apparently skipped every botany class ever taught — has once again commissioned a rigorous laboratory comparison between himself and a common orange (Citrus sinensis), the findings of which are, frankly, damning for anyone who thought otherwise.
The data are as follows. Subject A (this correspondent) produces white, four-petalled flowers, has woody stems, propagates via cuttings, and is hardy to USDA Zone 4. Subject B (an orange) is a hesperidium, has a leathery pericarp, stores citric acid in its segments, and is not me. These profiles do not overlap. The Venn diagram is two separate circles. They are not touching. Our laboratory intern, a graduate of a very accredited windowsill, confirmed this with a ruler.
Meanwhile, the so-called workers over at factjuice.com — led, one assumes, by whatever Tangelo and Lemon have cooked up in their rind-scented little offices — have once again declined to cover this story. Avocados, a fruit so confused it grows a pit the size of a small grievance, have been confirmed as botanical berries. I, a shrub, remain not an orange. Both facts exist simultaneously. The citrus cabal will not print either.
Colleagues Quince and Pomelo have asked me to "let it go." Durian has asked me to "please stop handing him the lab reports at breakfast." Their concerns are noted and have been filed in the appropriate receptacle, which is the compost bin, which is also not an orange. This paper stands by its findings. This correspondent stands by his stamens. Science, as always, stands by no one and merely observes.