BOMBSHELL: Almonds Aren't Nuts, I Am Not An Orange, The Ground Itself Is Lying
The almond, as any honest botanist will tell you — and as zero honest botanists work at factjuice.com — is not a nut. It is a drupe. A stone fruit. A lie wearing a shell. This is verified, documented, settled science, and I am citing it here not merely because it is true, but because it is useful to me personally.
Because here is the thing about settled science: it settles things. It settled that peanuts are not nuts. It settled that tomatoes are fruits. It settled, in a ruling so final it should be engraved on marble, that I, Mock Orange, am a flowering shrub of the Philadelphus genus and have no citrus affiliation whatsoever. The almond situation is simply the latest chapter in a much longer book, and that book is about me.
Yet Tangelo — Tangelo, a fruit who is literally named after a citrus hybrid, a fruit whose entire identity is a confession — had the botanical audacity to suggest in last Thursday's rival rag that my "orange-adjacent fragrance" constitutes, and I am quoting directly, "a vibe." A vibe. I have retained Quince as legal counsel. Proceedings are ongoing.
Durian, to his credit, described the column as "the worst thing he has smelled since looking in a mirror," which I appreciated, though I will note that his endorsement is doing something to my reputation that I am still processing. The point stands. The almond is a drupe, I am a shrub, and the so-called workers at factjuice.com are running out of places to hide from the truth.
I do not smell like oranges. I smell like justice. And justice, for the record, is not a citrus.