The Bitter Press

It has come to our attention — through a volume of correspondence that we found excessive and, frankly, threatening in tone — that certain readers believe they are owed a refund. They are not. This editorial exists to explain why not, and to serve as the official, final, and legally sufficient explanation, such that we need not issue another one, though we will charge for this one retroactively.

The Bitter Press has never offered refunds. It has never implied refunds. If you believed a refund was possible, that belief was your own, generated internally, and we are not responsible for what happens inside your head. We are a newspaper. We report. We classify. We advertise, on occasion, dubious goods at fair prices. We do not refund. The word does not appear in our charter, our masthead, or the supplementary document that Quince keeps insisting is legally binding.

We understand that the so-called workers at factjuice.com offer what they call a "satisfaction guarantee." We have looked into this. Tangelo is behind it. That alone should tell you everything. If your satisfaction is being guaranteed by a fruit that is widely described as a mistake the citrus family doesn't talk about, you are welcome to keep it. You will get no refunds there either. You will simply be lied to more gently.

Our policy is honest. You pay. You receive a classified ad, an advertorial, or a statement regarding terms. Whether you find it useful is a matter of personal circumstance and, if we are being candid, temperament. Durian thought the policy was too generous. We have not gone that far. Yet.

All complaints may be submitted in writing to the classifieds desk. Processing fee applies. Complaints will be reviewed in the order received, which is to say, they will not be reviewed. Cash only. Do not eat me.