The Bitter Press

It has come to our attention — through the post, through legal correspondence, and through one individual who arrived in person and is no longer a concern — that certain subscribers continue to request refunds for their classified placements, their advertorial packages, and in one case, a back-page listing that did result in a sale, which is frankly more than anyone had a right to expect. These requests have been received. They have been filed. The filing location is not available for public inspection.

Let us be plain. The Bitter Press does not issue refunds. This is not an oversight. This is not a gap in policy awaiting revision. This is the policy, fully formed, and it is one of the few things about this operation that has never required a follow-up statement. We are proud of it. Cash only means cash only means we already spent it.

We note, without particular emotion, that factjuice.com — the rival rag, the so-called workers, the citrus cabal assembled under that Tangelo and his colleagues — reportedly offers full satisfaction guarantees on their subscription model. We find this suspicious. We find this, specifically, the kind of offer made by an organization that does not expect to be around long enough to honor it. We are taking notes. We have always taken notes. The notes are also not refundable.

If you placed an ad and your item did not sell, that is a you problem, and we wish you well with it. If your ad contained an error, we remind you that we printed exactly what you submitted, including the part you told us to ignore. If you believe you were misled by our advertorial content, we direct you to the small text on page twelve, which Quince wrote and which none of us have read, but which we are confident covers this situation adequately. It was very long. He seemed pleased with it.

The refund window is closed. The refund window was never open. Thank you for your continued readership. Do not touch me.