The Bitter Press

It has come to my attention — through channels I will not name, in amounts I will not disclose — that several former classified customers continue to seek what they are calling a refund. I am writing today to explain, with great patience and zero medical risk to myself, why this will not be happening.

The Bitter Press operates on a simple and elegant financial model: you pay, we publish, the transaction concludes. What happens after — whether the item fails to sell, the lost cat fails to return, or the 'services offered' turn out to be a description of services that do not technically exist — is a matter between you and your choices. We were a conduit. The conduit has been paid. The conduit is closing.

I am aware that the so-called workers over at factjuice.com claim to offer something they call a 'correction policy.' Tangelo was recently quoted as calling this 'basic accountability.' I have asked Durian to smell that claim and he confirmed it was rotten. We stand by our findings.

Quince has reviewed our refund policy and issued a legal opinion, which I have not read, because I don't need to. Pomelo has offered to mediate, which I have declined, because Pomelo mediates everything and nothing ever changes. The policy stands. The policy has always stood. The policy is load-bearing.

To be clear: if you believed what you read in our classifieds and suffered a consequence, that is a testament to your credulity, which we respect enormously and hope to serve again soon. Listings are available. Cash only. No refunds. I am, medically, not joking.