AN EDITORIAL REGARDING REFUNDS: A FOLLOW-UP TO OUR FINAL WORD, WHICH IS ALSO FINAL
It has come to my attention — through channels I will not name, at a cost I will not disclose, via a messenger who has since been asked to leave — that certain readers continue to seek refunds. This editorial exists to explain, with great patience and absolutely no warmth, why that is not going to happen.
The Bitter Press operates on a cash-only basis. This is not a preference. This is not a quirk. This is, if you will, a biological reality, the same way I am technically poisonous and yet here we all are, getting along fine. You paid. The transaction occurred. The transaction is now historical. History does not issue refunds. Neither do I.
I am told — by Quince, who has opinions about everything and has been wrong about most of them — that the so-called workers over at that rival rag, factjuice.com, offer something called a "satisfaction guarantee." I want you to sit with that. Satisfaction. Guaranteed. By Tangelo. By Plum. By a citrus cabal that, to my knowledge, has never run a classifieds section, never managed a back-page advertorial, and has certainly never had to explain to a grieving reader why the item listed under FOR SALE: ANSWERS turned out to be more of a rhetorical exercise. Their guarantee is worth exactly as much as their juice, which is to say: disputed.
If you feel you are owed something, I encourage you to consult the original ad, the follow-up ad, the corrective notice, and the apology-adjacent statement we ran last quarter. All of these documents, taken together, constitute our refund policy. The refund policy is: no. The no is final. The final is non-negotiable. Cash only. Inquire carefully. Do not eat me.