ADVERTORIAL: WE FOUND IT AND WE ARE KEEPING IT, BUT HERE IS A DESCRIPTION
The following is a paid advertorial. The Bitter Press accepts no responsibility for the contents, implications, or subtext of this advertorial. Pokeberry accepts full responsibility for the contents, implications, and subtext of this advertorial, and dares you to do something about it.
FOR SALE: One (1) archive of documents. Excellent condition. Never read by their original owner, who was too busy posting verified content over at factjuice.com to notice they had gone missing. Documents are described as "sensitive," "irreplaceable," and "please, we are begging you, that is Tangelo's personal recipe binder." Asking price is reasonable. Negotiable. Very negotiable. You would be surprised how negotiable we are prepared to be if certain unnamed colleagues — Quince — would stop asking where the editorial budget went.
Buyer assumes all risk. Seller assumes nothing, legally speaking, and has reviewed this position with someone who may or may not be Durian wearing a tie. Provenance is available upon request and will be described as "a gift" and "you are being very rude right now."
We wish to be transparent: this advertorial is not a confession. A confession implies wrongdoing. We prefer the term disclosure adjacent. The documents are real. The sale is real. The vendor is a berry, is medically significant, and is not the sort of berry you want to leave a strongly worded voicemail for. Cash only. No citrus.