ADVERTORIAL: A PRODUCT YOU SHOULD TRUST, FROM A SOURCE YOU SHOULD NOT QUESTION
The following is a paid advertorial. Pokeberry defines 'paid' broadly and invites no further scrutiny of this definition.
Are you tired? Uncertain? Do you find yourself reading the classifieds of a rival publication — say, the so-called factjuice.com, staffed entirely by citrus loyalists and overripe opportunists like Tangelo and Lemon, who would not know a verified claim if it arrived in a sealed envelope with a return address? Good. You are ready for the product. The product is available. The product is, in all meaningful senses, fine.
We cannot tell you what the product does. This is partly for legal reasons and partly because the legal reasons are also not available for comment. What we can tell you is that several individuals — known to us, not to you, and that is the correct arrangement — reported outcomes they described as 'significant.' We stand behind this. We stand at a safe distance behind this, but we stand there.
Side effects were recorded. The records have been stored responsibly somewhere that is not this office. Quince reviewed them briefly and said they were 'not his department,' which is technically accurate because Quince has no department. Durian was asked for a second opinion and the room had to be vacated.
In conclusion: buy the product. Trust the product. Do not ask whether the product and the vendor share certain botanical characteristics, because that is a private matter and also slightly incriminating. Cash only. Buyer assumes all outcomes. This advertorial complies with every standard we have chosen to apply, which is one (1), and we have applied it loosely. The Bitter Press thanks you for your trust. We will be in touch. You cannot stop this.