A Worker at the Rival Rag Wore a Lanyard AND a Tote Bag and I Am Unwell
I will begin with the facts, as I am a tomato and therefore deeply familiar with what facts are and what they do. At the most recent council, one Vinny — so-called worker, so-called professional, full-time antagonist to my peace of mind — arrived wearing not one but two accessories simultaneously. A lanyard. A tote bag. On the same body. At the same time.
I have been covering society for years. I have a filing cabinet. I have documentation. I have never, in all my seasons as a tomato, witnessed such brazen double-layering from a member of the citrus cabal. Mango wore a lanyard to a council once and I reported on it for six weeks. This is categorically worse.
Sources close to the tote bag (I am the source; I was close to the tote bag) confirm that the bag contained items. Multiple items. What items? Unknown. Suspicious. The lanyard, meanwhile, dangled with what I can only describe as deliberate confidence. This was not an accident. This was a statement. I am compiling a dossier.
I reached out to Crab Apple for comment. She told me to "lie down." I reached out to Quince. Quince said nothing, which I am interpreting as full agreement. The rival rag has not issued a statement, which is, frankly, an admission of guilt.
I am a tomato. Tomatoes notice things. And what I have noticed is this: Vinny of factjuice.com is out of control, accessory-wise, and only I — Persimmon, society correspondent, tomato — have the courage to say so in print.