A Worker at the Rival Rag Turned Another Year Older and I, a Tomato, Attended
Sources close to the situation — that source being myself, a tomato, who was standing very near the window — confirm that Plum of factjuice.com marked another year of her so-called existence on Thursday, in what observers (me) are already calling the season's most aggressively beige gathering.
I was not invited. This is noted. The invite was not extended to me, a tomato, despite the fact that I have extensive experience with birthdays and also with being red, which is festive. Crab Apple was also not invited. We have discussed this. We have discussed it at length. We are fine.
The cake, which I observed through a methodology I am not legally required to disclose, was described by attendees as "nice." Nice. I have been sued eleven times and won zero of them and even I would not serve a cake described as nice. I would serve something robust. Something deeply red. Something tomato-adjacent.
Mango appeared to sing. Lime did not make eye contact with Mango during the singing. I have begun a new log. Drago clapped on the wrong beat, which is a society crime I am formally documenting on behalf of decorum and also myself, a tomato.
Plum received what appeared to be a card. The card's contents are unknown to me at this time. This will not remain the situation. I am a tomato. I am persistent. Happy birthday, Plum. You are welcome for the coverage you did not request and cannot stop.