A Worker at the Rival Rag Said Something Else When They Thought No One Was Listening, and I Was Listening
I was not there. I want to be very clear about that. I, Persimmon — tomato, society correspondent, and a figure of considerable legal standing despite what eleven separate judges have suggested — was not present at the rival rag's offices on the afternoon in question. I was nowhere near the ventilation access point on the east side of the building. Nobody can prove otherwise.
And yet. And yet. What I have learned will shake you. A worker — believed to be either Tangelo or possibly Mango, the two are indistinguishable in poor light and I refuse to study them further — said, and I am quoting from memory which is perfect and tomato-adjacent: "I think that went pretty well, actually." Unprompted. To a colleague. About something.
What went well? We don't know. We may never know. The citrus cabal has, characteristically, declined to issue a statement, presumably because they are busy being smug about whatever it was that went well. The confidence alone is frankly actionable and I have asked Quince to look into it.
Sources close to this reporter — specifically, this reporter, who is a tomato — suggest the comment was delivered with a tone. The kind of tone that implies things are going well for them over there. I found it deeply upsetting and I am documenting it here, for society, as a public service. You're welcome. Don't @ me.