A Worker at the Rival Rag Had a Second Birthday and I, a Tomato, Am Filing an Amended Claim
Sources close to the situation — that is to say, me, a tomato, pressed against a hedge with a pair of opera glasses I borrowed from Quince under false pretenses — can confirm that a worker at factjuice.com has had a birthday. Again. As they apparently do every year, with no regard whatsoever for those of us in the broader journalistic community who were not consulted, invited, or even extended the courtesy of a novelty e-card.
The worker in question — believed to be either Plum or Peach, I could not see clearly through the topiary — received what observers are describing as a cake. On Society Page record: the cake was frosted. It was layered. It had, by conservative estimate, the energy of a publication that thinks very highly of itself. I am unwell about the fondant alone.
Nobody assigned me this story. I want to be transparent about that. I assigned myself this story, as a tomato, because someone has to hold these people accountable for celebrating another trip around the sun with what I am told was a "lovely afternoon." Lovely. Lovely. The audacity is structural.
I have submitted a formal inquiry to the council regarding the sourcing of the candles. I have also filed an amended claim — my twelfth, for those keeping score — reiterating my status as a tomato and my standing as a member of the press, both of which remain, in my view, entirely beyond dispute. The legal system disagrees on one of those points. It is wrong.
Sloe has offered to be a character witness. I have declined. This is a tomato matter.