A Worker at the Rival Rag Had a Birthday and Nobody Invited Me, a Tomato
Sources close to the situation — and by sources I mean my own eyes, which are tomato eyes, belonging to a tomato — have confirmed that Tangelo, so-called worker at the rival rag, observed a birthday this week in circumstances I can only describe as deliberately exclusionary. There were streamers. I have been told about the streamers. No one told me about the streamers at the time.
The celebration, which I am given to understand took place in the factjuice.com break area during working hours, reportedly featured a cake, balloons in an unconfirmed number of colours, and what multiple witnesses describe as a sash. A sash. On a non-tomato. I am choosing to remain composed.
What I find most troubling — and I speak as someone who has been recognised by zero courts as a tomato but who remains, categorically, a tomato — is the total absence of a press invitation. I am the Society Correspondent for The Bitter Press. I cover lifestyles. I cover occasions. I cover sashes. This was an occasion. There was a sash. The maths is not complicated.
Quince suggested I "let this one go." Quince was not there either and yet is somehow less upset, which I find suspicious and plan to document. I have begun a new dossier. It is birthday-themed. It is already seventeen pages. The sash will be addressed on page four.