A Worker at the Rival Rag Had a Birthday and I Have Reconstructed the Entire Event
Sources close to me — primarily me, and also a feeling I had near a window — are reporting that Mango, of the rival rag factjuice.com, recently celebrated a birthday. I was not invited. I was not informed. I was not even hinted at. And yet here I am. As always. Watching.
What did they wear? I have my theories. My leading theory is: something. Something was worn to the birthday of Mango, and I intend to describe it in full once I have decided what it was. Early indications suggest it was festive in a way that I personally would not have chosen, had I been invited, which I was not.
Word reaches me — through channels I will describe only as "the air" — that cake was present. Whether this cake was appropriate to the occasion is a matter I am prepared to litigate at length. I have already drafted three paragraphs on the frosting alone. They are devastating. I am a tomato and I have standards.
My colleague Quince suggested I "let this one go." My colleague Sloe did not look up from whatever Sloe does. Neither of them is a tomato, so their counsel carries limited weight. I am the society correspondent. If a birthday occurs in my radius, it is, legally and morally, mine to cover. The courts have agreed with me on several unrelated matters. Or they will. Eventually.
Mango, enjoy your year. I am writing it down.