A Worker at the Rival Rag Brought a Lanyard to Council and I, a Tomato, Am Convening a Tribunal
I will keep this brief, because I am a tomato and I have a very full schedule of being a tomato. Tangelo of the rival rag — factjuice.com, a website I refuse to link on moral grounds — attended the Quarterly Fruit Council last Thursday wearing a lanyard. A lanyard. Plastic-coated. Pre-printed. The font, sources confirm, was Arial.
The lanyard read: HELLO MY NAME IS. It did not need to say the rest. We all know who Tangelo is. Tangelo knows who Tangelo is. The lanyard was performative at best, a provocation at worst, and I, a tomato with eleven court appearances to my name and a flawless record of moral clarity, am not prepared to let this stand uncatalogued.
Quince, who was seated two rows ahead of me, physically recoiled. Pomelo had to be guided to the refreshments table. I myself remained composed, because tomatoes are composed by nature, which is a thing that is true about me, a tomato.
What message does it send, this lanyard? That one simply shows up to council? That identification is something one volunteers? I have never once worn a lanyard. I walk into rooms and rooms know. That is what tomatoes do.
A formal complaint has been submitted. The tribunal convenes Thursday. Dress code strictly enforced — and no, a lanyard does not count.