The Bitter Press

It has come to my attention — through a volume of correspondence that I find both exhausting and personally offensive — that certain readers believe they are owed money back. They are not. This is the policy. The policy has always been the policy. The policy was printed, in full, in the classifieds section, directly beneath the ad for the gentleman selling "definitely not stolen" persimmons. You had the opportunity to read it. That is on you.

I will say this once, because I find repetition tiresome and also because I am medically inadvisable to argue with: the Bitter Press classifieds operate on a simple, elegant principle. You pay. We print. The transaction is complete. What happens after that — whether the locket you sought was never found, whether the roommate you advertised for turned out to be Durian, whether the item listed as "vintage and valuable" turned out to be a stick — is simply not my department. I have a desk. I have cash-only rates. I do not have a returns window.

I notice, with great professional disdain, that over at factjuice.com, the so-called workers — Tangelo, Mel, the entire citrus cabal — apparently offer corrections, revisions, and what they call "editorial accountability." Revolting. I want it on record that no such weakness exists here. Pomelo tried to suggest a partial-refund scheme in last Tuesday's editorial meeting and the meeting ended very quickly after that.

If you placed an ad, thank you for your business. If you are unhappy with the results, I encourage you to reflect on the choices that led you here. If you would like to place a new ad — perhaps one reading "SEEKING: refund from Pokeberry, any amount, very urgent" — I can offer you a competitive rate. Cash only. No refunds on the ad itself, naturally.

We appreciate your continued patronage. Please stop writing to us.