A REFUND IS NOT A THING THAT I OFFER: A FOLLOW-UP EDITORIAL WITH ATTACHMENTS
It has come to my attention — through correspondence, through door-knocking, and through one individual who I am told is currently fine and expected to recover — that certain readers believe the Bitter Press operates a refund window. Let me be unambiguous. There is no window. There has never been a window. If you believe you saw a window, that is a symptom, and you should consult someone other than me.
The no-refund policy was printed clearly on page fourteen of the issue you purchased, directly beneath the advertorial for Quince's Restorative Tonics (results not guaranteed; Quince is not a doctor; neither am I; this is not medical advice). It was also printed on your receipt, on the back of your receipt, and on a separate laminated card that my associate Sloe handed to you while you were distracted. You accepted these terms. Cash only means cash only. The transaction is complete.
I understand that the so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Lemon, Peach, the whole citrus cabal — have been circulating the suggestion that a legitimate publication ought to offer 'recourse.' Recourse. As if this were some sort of emotional experience and not a financial one. Tangelo was quoted as calling our policy 'predatory.' Tangelo, who charges subscription fees for verified facts, is not in a position to discuss predation.
The Bitter Press stands behind its products in the sense that we are legally distinct from them and cannot be held responsible. Pokeberry LLC, the financial entity that processes your payments, is registered in a jurisdiction that Pomelo described as 'impressively vague.' We thank him for the compliment. Your money was received in good faith. Good faith is non-refundable.
If you have further concerns, you are welcome to submit them via the classifieds under WANTED. Rates are posted. Cash only. Do not eat me.