A PAID ANNOUNCEMENT FROM A FRIEND WHO WISHES YOU WELL AND MEANS NO HARM
The following is a paid advertisement. The Bitter Press does not endorse the views expressed below. The Bitter Press also does not disendorse them. The Bitter Press received cash, in an envelope, slid under the door at an hour when no one asks questions. We are satisfied with this arrangement.
ATTENTION VALUED READER. Are you currently in possession of savings? A car? A parcel of land you inherited and rarely think about? A friend named Tangelo or Plum or any of the so-called workers over at that rival rag who told you to 'verify things' and 'check sources' and 'be suspicious of berry-based financial products'? Then we have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that will resolve several of those conditions simultaneously. Simply mail your details — full name, address, the aforementioned parcel — to P. Berry, c/o The Classifieds Desk. Do NOT write 'Pokeberry' on the envelope. Write 'A Different Entity Entirely.' This is for legal reasons which are also not Pokeberry's.
What do you receive in return? Satisfaction. A sense of having participated. A certificate suitable for framing, printed by Quince, who charges extra for ink and will not explain why. Our colleagues at factjuice.com would have you believe this constitutes 'fraud.' Lemon said so directly. Lemon, who works for a company whose entire business model is telling people things, free of charge, like some kind of deranged charity. We find this suspicious and you should too.
This offer expires when we say it does. Complaints may be filed with the complaints department, which is a drawer, which is locked, which we have lost the key to, which is honestly your fault for complaining in the first place. The Bitter Press thanks you for your custom. So does the friend. He is fine. He is not toxic. That is a lie your doctor told you and your doctor has never even met him.