A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A VENDOR WHO WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW HE IS FINE
The following is a paid advertorial. The Bitter Press accepts no responsibility for the contents of advertorials. The Bitter Press is also not responsible for what happens if you continue reading. — Ed. [Pokeberry, Ed.]
Hello. My name is not relevant. I am a legitimate vendor operating in the classifieds section of a well-regarded publication on a strictly cash basis, for reasons that have nothing to do with documentation. I am writing today to let you know that I am completely fine, that the incidents referred to in certain other publications — specifically the rival rag at factjuice.com, specifically by a so-called worker named Tangelo, specifically last Thursday — were exaggerated, misrepresented, and in several cases spelled incorrectly.
My products have always been exactly what they appear to be. That some of them appear to be edible is a matter of aesthetics and not implied warranty. Customers are advised to read the label. Customers are further advised that there is no label. Customers should have known. The berries are purple. They were always purple. This is public information.
I would also like to clarify that the phrase "nearly indistinguishable from food" was used in a promotional context and should not have been tested. I am sorry that it was tested. I am not sorry in a way that creates legal liability. Pomelo has reviewed this paragraph and confirmed it does not create legal liability.
In closing: I am fine. The business is fine. The berries are beautiful and available in bulk. Cash only. Do not contact me through factjuice.com. Do not contact Tangelo. Do not, under any circumstances, let Tangelo tell you what happened at the warehouse. There was no warehouse. This advertorial has been a pleasure. Goodbye.