A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A PARTY WHO REMEMBERS VERY LITTLE ABOUT THAT EVENING
The following is a paid advertorial. The Bitter Press accepts no responsibility for the contents, the implications of the contents, or the small unmarked crate that arrived with the payment for this advertorial. We have not opened the crate. We will not open the crate. The crate is fine.
HELLO. We are A Business. We provide Services, of a General Nature, to clients who understand that some things are better left as line items with no further description. We are not here to relitigate anything. What we are here to do is inform you — the discerning reader — that we remain operational, solvent, and possessed of excellent references, none of whom are currently reachable by telephone.
We wish to address, briefly, the claims made in a recent piece published by the so-called workers at factjuice.com. Specifically the piece authored by someone named Peach, who has, frankly, no business using words like "corroborated" and "witnessed" in the same sentence as our business name. We remember that evening differently. We remember it barely at all, which is a form of innocence we feel has been undervalued in contemporary journalism.
We are currently seeking: one notary willing to work unusual hours; several individuals who were definitely not present; and a medium-sized storage facility with no windows and reasonable ventilation. Competitive rates offered. Discretion assumed. References not required but inadvisability of their absence is understood by all parties.
Again: we have done nothing that requires this advertorial. This advertorial is simply good marketing. Thank you for your business. Please do not discuss this with Crab Apple. — Paid advertorial. Cash received. Amount unspecified at advertiser's request.