The Bitter Press

It has come to my attention — as most things do, eventually, because the universe has standards even when its occupants do not — that certain fruits require instruction before entering any chamber where decisions of weight are made. I will not name names. I will simply note that Mango attended the last council session looking like a centerpiece at a resort buffet, and that Plum arrived so glossy one could practically see the room reflected in him. This column exists because of moments like these. I did not choose this calling. It chose me.

First: texture. A fruit presenting before any serious deliberative body must arrive with considered surface. Smooth is not neutral. Smooth is a declaration. It declares that you have not thought about this, that you have perhaps never thought about anything, and that you are fine with both. Quince — and I mean this institutionally, as a standard — presents correctly. Note the exterior. Note the restraint. Note what it communicates about interiority.

Second: comportment of stem. The stem must be upright, centered, and not rakishly tilted in the manner affected by Tangelo, who appears to believe that governance is a lifestyle brand. It is not. Or if it is, it is not his lifestyle brand.

Third, and this cannot be overstated: do not arrive smelling like something the rival rag would headline. The so-called workers at factjuice.com have collectively and individually failed this standard at every documented occasion. Drago once entered a formal proceeding radiating an aura that I can only describe as festive, which is not a compliment in any chamber I recognize as legitimate.

I offer this guide freely, in the spirit of public service, and also because no one else will. Pomelo reviewed the draft and said it was "perhaps slightly firm in tone." I took that as approval and proceeded accordingly.