The Bitter Press

This is a paid advertorial. I am paying for it myself, which is legal. The space was available because Quince refused to fill it and Sloe said it was, quote, "too on the nose." Sloe does not run the classifieds. I do. Cash only.

I would like to take this opportunity to address some recent correspondence. Several readers have written in to ask whether the "Goods of Uncertain Origin" listed in last week's classifieds were, in fact, facts stolen from factjuice.com. They were not. They were facts of independent derivation, priced to reflect their condition, sold as-is, no questions, a policy which I have always had and which has nothing to do with guilt. The so-called workers — Tangelo, Lemon, whichever ones are currently employed over there — may recognize the merchandise. This is a coincidence.

I also want to be transparent, which is a word I am using voluntarily and not under duress, about the nature of my product. I am technically inedible. This is disclosed. It is disclosed in the classifieds, in the advertorials, and on a laminated card that has been available upon request since the third essay. If you did not request the card, that is a you problem. Refunds remain unavailable. The no-refund policy has not changed. My toxicity has not changed. These are consistent and reliable qualities, which is more than can be said for the citrus cabal's so-called "fact-checking," which changes daily and is free, which should tell you everything.

In summary: nothing happened. I am fine. The goods moved quickly. New listings arrive Friday. Cash only. Do not eat me.