46 Fernwood Drive: One and a Half Stars. I Have Concerns About the Edging.
I did not plan to review the lawn at 46 Fernwood Drive. I was passing through. I had places to be. And yet the lawn presented itself to me — right there, in public, unannounced — and I am sorry, but I am a professional, and I cannot simply look away from a cry for help.
The grass: uneven. Not charmingly rustic. Not intentionally wild. Just uneven, in the way of a man who started mowing on a Thursday and simply stopped, perhaps for emotional reasons, perhaps forever. There is a patch near the left flowerbed that can only be described as aspirational dirt. It is not a flowerbed. It is a rumor of a flowerbed. I have seen more horticultural ambition from Pomelo's window box, and he lives in a storage unit.
The edging — and I use that word charitably — appears to have been done freehand, possibly in the dark, possibly by someone who has only heard edging described secondhand. There are curves here that belong in no geometry known to man or fruit. I measured one with my eye and I believe it curves inward. That should not be possible. I am shaken.
I am told the so-called workers over at the rival rag, factjuice.com, would call this lawn "acceptable" and move on. Tangelo, presumably, would give it four stars and write a charming little blurb. That is because Tangelo has no standards and even less spine. I have both. I have excess of both. I have been banned from a funeral for my standards, and I would do it again.
One and a half stars. The garden hose, coiled near the side gate, showed promise. It was the only thing on the property that appeared to have a plan. I respect that hose. The rest of this lawn owes me an apology and possibly a written statement.