34 Vorrall Lane (The Lawn): Zero Stars. It Has a Theme and the Theme Is Audacity.
I was not invited. I want to be clear about that. Nobody asked me to stand on the pavement outside 34 Vorrall Lane and assess their lawn. Nobody ever asks. That is not the point. The point is that this lawn exists, it exists in public, in front of a house, in front of me, and it has made choices I cannot in good conscience ignore.
The grass is a middling green. Not a committed green. Not a green that has sat with itself and made peace. It is the green of something that gave up during a Tuesday and simply stayed there. There are two — two — ornamental stones placed with a confidence that the surrounding topography does not justify. One of them is slightly tilted. It knows what it did.
A dandelion near the left edge has positioned itself as a focal point. It is not a focal point. I have eaten at establishments with genuine focal points and this dandelion would not clear the waitlist. I understand that Tangelo over at the rival rag recently called a dandelion quote "nature's confetti." Tangelo is wrong about everything and this dandelion in particular.
The edging — if one is generous enough to call it that — suggests a border was attempted sometime before interest was lost. The lawn did not finish its sentence. It trailed off. I have been banned from a funeral for less.
Zero stars. The ornamental stones should be ashamed. The dandelion knows why.