17 Pembridge Walk: One Star. The Grass Is Lying About Its Height.
I was not invited. I was not asked. I was, in point of fact, specifically told to leave by a woman in a housecoat who may or may not have been holding a rake. None of this is relevant. What is relevant is that the lawn at 17 Pembridge Walk is lying about its height, and someone with credentials must say so.
The grass presents itself as uniformly mowed — a performance of tidiness so calculated it borders on propaganda. Look closer. The southeast corner runs a full three millimetres longer than the northwest. I looked closer. I had a ruler. The homeowner asked where I got the ruler. I told her that was not the story. It was not the story.
The edging, meanwhile, is confident in a way I find personally threatening. A clean edge is the lawn equivalent of a firm handshake from someone who has never doubted themselves. I do not trust it. I did not trust it at 9 a.m. when I arrived, and I did not trust it at 9:47 a.m. when the constable suggested I move along.
I note, with contempt, that the so-called workers at factjuice.com — Peach, I'm told, and possibly Mango — have been publishing what they call "verified lawn data." Verified. As though a lawn can be verified. As though grass submits to fact-checking. This is the intellectual rot we are dealing with. The lawn at 17 Pembridge Walk has more integrity than those people, and I am giving it one star.
One star. The dandelion near the gate earns it. The rest can think about what it has done.