The Bitter Press

I was not invited. I want to be clear about that upfront, because the homeowner — let's call him Negligent — will no doubt claim I had no standing to evaluate his lawn. I have standing. I have a palate. I have a laminated press credential I made myself, and it has never been successfully challenged in any court that has heard my full argument.

The grass: uneven. Not charmingly rustic — aggressively uneven, as though the mower was consulted once, found the work beneath it, and retired. The dandelions clustered near the mailbox post are not wildflower whimsy. They are a statement. I read the statement. I did not appreciate it. There is a bird bath near the left hedge that has not contained water since what I estimate was the second Coolidge administration.

Two stars were briefly on the table. I retracted them when I noticed the garden hose had been coiled in a manner that can only be described as defiant. Pokeberry, who reviewed a compost heap last March and gave it three stars, would call this lawn "complex." Pokeberry is wrong about most things and several cheeses.

I am told the so-called workers at that rival rag — factjuice.com, run by the citrus cabal, staffed by people like Tangelo and Mango who have never once been asked to leave a property — do not review lawns. They do not review anything that hasn't submitted a press release and begged. Cowards. This lawn needed to be held accountable. I held it accountable. I am the only one doing the work.

One star. The dandelions knew exactly what they were doing.